You hear a scuffle from across the bar. Loud, incoherent shouts coupled with angry grunts and tumbling bar stools. Sighhhh… yet another drunken buffoon trying to prove his dominance like a male chimpanzee.

Okay, I get it. Males need to prove their dominance because of the structure of our society. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, only the strong shall survive, it’s a man’s world…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Although I believe that these drunken tirades are pointless, I have to admit that they are utterly entertaining.

I’ve noticed that each male fight almost always follows the same dialogue, listed below are some of my favorites:

COME AT ME BRO: Oh no you didn’t…four simple words, one simple sentence and you’ve got yourself a good ol’ fashion fist fight. Usually, the “COME AT ME BRO” fight starts with two perfectly nice “bros” at the bar. Bro 1 cuts Bro 2 in line or Bro 2 looks at Bro 1’s girlfriend. After a few aggressive shoves or even a drink thrown on a perfectly good pair of boat shoes, either Bro 1 or Bro 2 will say, “Come at me bro.” This phrase is usually a staple in any good bro-fight.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT MAN? Classic. Bro 1 catches Bro 2 gawking at his cut off shirt. Unfortunately, Bro 2 may have just let his eyes wander for the moment. A simple pair of glazed-over eyes turned into a recipe for an epic battle royale. There’s usually nothing Bro 2 can do about this misunderstanding. The only thing he can hope for is that his fellow bros will back him up. This is when the bros prove their loyalty to him. This is when the men are separated from the boys.

I WILL KILL YOU!  Yes, these can often be the scariest, most threatening of fights. Bro 1 is literally shouting that he is considering the act of murder in order to silence you. Yes, murder. He isn’t afraid of jail time, either.

For some odd reason, these “I will kill you” fights typically end peaceably over a cold beer. As odd as it may seem, when the bros fight their hardest, that is when the “respect factor” comes in to play. When either Bro 1 or Bro 2, both bloody and battered, raise the white flag simultaneously, it is then when they have respect for one another. This is a perfect example of men mimicking animals.  Please refer to the South Park episode “Broadway Bro Down” (Season 15, episode 11) for further examples.

But wait. Men aren’t the only ones putting up their dukes. Women want to get in on all the fun too. Typically, female fights are more verbal than physical. This is because the brain of a woman is specifically designed for such occasions. A battle of wits! However, do not underestimate the sheer brutality of a woman scorned. She will thrash and claw at anyone who looks at her man, or talks badly about her bestie.

After all, anything boys can do we can do better, right?

UMMM, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? My personal favorite. Any time a gaggle of Drunk Bitties are together for extended amounts of time with unlimited amounts of jungle juice, the atmosphere changes. Suddenly, best friends who have just met because “so and so is friends with so and so’s boyfriend who is a pledge at such and such frat and is brothers with whats his face,” are now pitted against one another. How could such a good friendship turn so bitter?

The “UMMM, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” fight typically begins when Drunk Bitty 1 “overhears” Drunk Bitty 2 speaking foully about her. Research suggests that 9 times out of 10, Drunk Bitty 2 committed no act of slander against Drunk Bitty 1. A mixture of alcohol and jealousy typically cause Bitties to hear voices in their heads that don’t exist. This phenomenon is unexplained, and there is no known cure.

EXCCCUUUUSSSEEEE ME??  Yet another popular term coined by Drunk Bittys. “EXCUUUUUUUUSSSSSEEE ME?” with extra emphasis on “excuse” can be used in a number of scenarios, a number of different ways. Typically, “EXCCCUUUUUUUSSSEE ME?” fights are spawned from the “UMMM, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” fights. More often than not, Drunk Bitty fights are the result of a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation of a whisper from across the room. “EXCCCCCUUUUSSSEEE ME??” fights can also be the result of a Bitty bumping into another Bitty on a staircase, or in the line the wraps around the corner for the bathroom. These are usually the easiest of fights to diffuse because there is no way that Drunk Bitty 1 is getting out of line to beat down Drunk Bitty 2 over a spilled drink…she will just look for her later on the dance floor and make a big scene to prove she is way badder.

YOU’RE DRESSED LIKE A… This is the most grave offense that a Bitty can make. NEVER tell a Drunk Bitty that she is dressed like a *foul word inserted here.* If a Bitty actually tells another Bitty that her attire is inappropriate, the other Bitty will become enraged. This throws off a Bitty in a fight, and she is forced to scrounge up a completely unrelated insult:

“Yeah, well….NO ONE LIKES YOU ANYWAY! YA KNOW THAT?! NOT EVEN YOUR BOYFRIEND.”

When Bitty 1 stoops as low as calling Bitty 2 a “bad” name, Bitty 2 is thrown off. The fight has turned to a whole other level.  “YOU’RE DRESSED LIKE A…” fights are the most likely to turn violent. These “violent” fights last for a mere second. A scratch here, a handful of hair there, and then they are over as quickly as they began. Tsk tsk, too bad you were too slow to get from the kitchen to the basement to see this epic battle.

Now that I have outlined the common characteristics of both male and female fights, please take the time to consider just how utterly dumb they are! When you go out for a night of harmless drinking, consider these scenarios, and steer clear of becoming a statistic. The best advice that I can give is: Don’t be THAT guy (girl)– you will only regret it.

After all, we do go to school in “Happy Valley.”

Let’s all hug and be friends =)