Citing a perceived morale boost it would create, Penn State has moved forward with installing speakers across campus with the intention of playing the previous year’s line dance once an hour. The twenty speakers will be about 20 feet tall and will be used for no other purposes.

“Through our research, we’ve found that student morale would increase to near-THON levels. It would truly be like THON is always tomorrow — or even right now,” Damon Sims, Penn State’s Vice President for Student Affairs, said. “I would like to thank the THON 2017 captains and committee members for participating in a series of focus groups testing this theory. We were humbled and honored to hear your feedback.”

Much like at THON, the song won’t be played exactly an hour apart, so it will play no function in keeping time, and could go off at presumably any time without warning. Surprisingly, some students aren’t excited about the proposition.

“They just started building one ten feet outside my dorm, and like, I love THON and all, but I’m just a little worried abut being able to sleep,” one West Halls resident said. This student chose to remain anonymous in fear of the harassment that can come with criticizing any aspect of THON.

Another group this decision seemingly isn’t sitting well with is a bit more surprising: THON dancers.

“I loved THON but I’m genuinely concerned if I hear the line dance that often it’s going to damage me psychologically,” one dancer said. “Seriously, I already hear this song in my nightmares. I’m afraid I’m going to hear it in class and just instinctively start doing it. Just thinking about it makes my feet hurt and makes me want to sleep for 16 hours straight.”

University administrators considered making the change by playing the song through the Old Main bell, but decided that would limit the effect to just those around Old Main at the time, and didn’t want to deprive other students of the opportunity. The THON Executive Committee also was adamantly opposed to breaking up the line dance in any sense.

About the Author

Mike Reisman

is a senior Supply Chain Management major with an Economics minor (Read: Business Douche) from South Jersey. He has an intense fear of graduating so please don't bring it up. He writes about stupid things nobody cares about, and student life if the site is low on content that is clearly supposed be funny but is really very unfunny. He is lovingly (?) known around the staff as Baby Mike which may or may not be because he has a child (hint: it’s not). He’s also a second generation Penn Stater who has been wearing Penn State sweatshirts since before he was two, a habit he hasn’t grown out of. If you really hate yourself, you can follow him on twitter at @mike_reisman or email him at mikereisman@onwardstate.com

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