When Penn State’s latest financial report was released, we took the liberty of breaking down the numbers. Among the notable observations, we found that the university holds just a little over $1.05 billion in cash.

With this number in mind, we came up with some totally real and well-thought-out suggestions for how Penn State can spend this year’s allowance.

10,510.51 Bottles Of Sand From The Beach Where Tom Brady Retired

With one genius on the internet selling sand from the beach where NFL legend Tom Brady announced his retirement, Penn State could secure its place in the great one’s history (don’t ask where he went to college).

We didn’t run the numbers on this one, but Penn State could probably buy the whole beach!

9,896.32 Porsche 911 Carreras

I’m no car guy, but I know enough to understand the class of the 911. With four football players getting Teslas through an NIL deal with Inch and Co., maybe it’s time to share the love a little bit more with nearly 10,000 Porsches.

21 Private Islands

Prices for a private island can be tricky, but if Penn State wanted to open a new campus in the Caribbean, a large enough island may cost the school over $50 million. Still, an island at that price would have the size to host several University Park-sized campuses.

14 James Franklin Contracts

Penn State could purchase exactly 14 renditions of James Franklin’s $75,000,000 contract. Just think about how many Rose Bowls the Nittany Lions could win!

533 Helicopters

If Penn State is getting 14 Franklin contracts, it’s only right that it continues to supply those Franklins with helicopters. Penn State could afford an additional 533 choppers for its highest-paid employee.

187,835,420.39 Wawa Classic Hoagies

Wawa may not be in Happy Valley yet, but Penn State can still supply its student population with an overwhelming number of hoagies. This one’s for you, “outside of Philly” folks.

750,536.1 Plate-Loaded Hack Squat Machines

As a gym bro and leg day advocate, I’ve always been frustrated that Penn State doesn’t supply its students with at least one hack squat in any of its three campus rec centers.

However, there’s a simple solution! Make every machine at Penn State a hack squat. Every day is leg day, folks.

105,000 Chick-Fil-A Franchises

After Chick-Fil-A left the HUB dining area two years back, students have been begging to bring back the chicken sandwich chain. The good news is that because Chick-Fil-A covers all opening costs, opening a franchise costs just $10,000. Every single building on campus could have its own Chick-Fil-A!

1.06 Miami Marlins Franchises

We actually don’t have a good reason for Penn State to purchase the Miami Marlins, which are worth $990 million. We just think it would be funny.

105,000,000 Dodgeball Lessons

With The Daily Collegian finally agreeing to face Onward State in dodgeball, Penn State will have to give TDC all the help it can get. Luckily, writers of Penn State’s second-best publication can receive dodgeball lessons for just $10 apiece in Seattle (though we’re sure the lessons won’t help).