Keith Olbermann surprised the seven viewers of his show today, announcing that he will speak on campus next month at the College of Communications’ Commencement ceremony on May 9.

“I thought Penn State’s speaker lineup was…PITIFUL,” Olbermann said, followed by 10 seconds of snickering. “And since I’m so generous, philanthropic, cool, smart, generous, always correct in everything I say, and cool, I decided I’d help out.”

Things are moving fast for Olbermann, who said he’s already started planning his talk. While leaning back in his chair and flipping through a copy of Satanists Magazine, he said, “People at Penn State are obviously uneducated little shits, so I’ll use my friggin Cornell education to tell them why they’re so dumb for like an hour. That oughta teach ’em. Little douchebags. Heh. Heh. Nice. I’m the shit.” After that jab, audible vomiting could be heard from his camera crew.

Olbermann found himself the target of Penn State’s ire after making unbelievably nonsensical comments related to THON, but in his defense, he is Keith Olbermann. Coincidentally, Olbermann will deliver his address in the Bryce Jordan Center, the same building in which such debase activities like THON occur.

While it was at first unclear why the university agreed to let Olbermann on its grounds, let alone speak at one of its ceremonies, a university spokesman clarified the decision in a statement.

“Though Mr. Olbermann’s comments regarding Penn State students were disgraceful, we would be remiss to deny this community a chance to pelt him with whatever objects they please,” he said. “God, that guy sucks.”

ESPN also released a statement about Olbermann’s planned address, saying, “Dude, honestly, why haven’t we just fired him? This statement isn’t really related to his planned commencement address, to be honest, but we just need to rant here for a bit. His show sucks, his takes are pedantic, and he doesn’t even dress well anymore. Why did we rehire him?? He’s below even our standards! Joe must have been high or something. This sucks.”

Olbermann finished his announcement by saying how he hates bragging for several minutes, then spending 30 minutes listing every donation he’s ever made to a charity.

About the Author

Tim Gilbert

Former managing editor and staff writer.

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